Healing your Heart

For several years I worked in palliative care; practicing as a  registered nurse.  Then after a devastating personal loss I was forced into redefining myself both personally and professionally.  People grow when they are faced with their own reality.  And as I seen within myself, never underestimate the capacity for change and growth.  I  witnessed within myself some phenomental changes.  In reflection, I have concluded that many of the changes I experienced are shared by individuals healing from loss and grief. 

During a loss a variety of emotions are experienced and any feeling is acceptable with varying impact.  The impact maybe superficial and easily resolved or it may involve months and sometimes years to heal and integrate.  The common emotions that can be experienced are denial, fear, anger, remorse, and acceptance. 

After successful completion of my personal adjustment to a life alterating loss; I realized that I integrated "experiences" that survivors of grief verbalize.  I have listed some examples:

1.  I wish that I had allowed more "joy". 

Fear of change allowed them to pretend to others, and to themselves that they were satisfied.  While deep within, they longed to laugh and have fun in their life.

2.  I wish I had spent more time playing.

By making conscious choices along life's path, and by simplifying your needs you can create the space and time you need to understand your inner self; and "know yourself".

3.  I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. 

People may surpress their feelings when they feel that they are inadequate, unworthy, or not deserving of personal satisfaction.  Choose relationships where the power is balanced equally emotionally, physically, and financially.  One belief system that negatively impacts grief is wishing that something or someone was different, better, or more.  Start living today by being open and sharing your feelings with appropriate respect allows loss and grief easier to integrate.

4.  I wish I had stayed in touch with friends.

A shared commonality with a busy lifestyle is "not enough time".  However, when someone is integrating a life altering loss into their life, supportive loving relationships can make the difference between acceptance and stagnation.

5.  I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself.

This life is YOUR dream.  Open YOUR eyes so that you can see, YOUR ears so that you can hear, and YOUR heart so that you can feel.  Choose to "know thyself"!

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I was reminded yesterday of a quote because of an incident that hit emotional close to my heart. 

                 "We are all alike, on the inside." Mark Twain

The scenario that released this quote within my heart was a comment that was made to me by a grieving mother celebrating her childs angelversary (date of death).  She had posted an invite "online" on events, within a group on Facebook, to remind everyone to light a candle in memory of her child's angelversary. 

I responsed to the event, by offering my sympathy.  The email rebutal returned was smitten with harsh words about replying to the angelversary.  Evidently for those of you who do not know.....as I did not....it is inappropriate Facebook ediquettes to reply to an angelversary.  The reason being, as I was told, it is too painful for the mother and I could not understand because her child was dead.  To add insult to  further insult, I was then harshly reminded of my rudeness because...."I do not know how it feels to have a child die". 

The internet opens doors for opportunities to support one another,  in yet another avenue.  However, the door can swing both ways and be interpreted  as uncaring, neglectful, and ignorant; or as loving, caring, and supportive.  You see, I do know how it feels to have a child die, and I was trying to reach out and offer support to someone who also had lost a child.     

So in this time of all the wonderful data we share, we need to be careful with whom we share our hearts and in how we allow others into them.  One of the most emotionally painful times in grief is when someone says something that we consider brash.  For me, at the time of our daughter's death, a caring friend said...."Don't worry, you can have more children".  Reflecting back into the moment, I was hurt and full of anger with her comment.  Now, I realize that her comment came from her heart!  

Respectively with grief integration I understand 'now' that my heart, at that time  was open and bleeding.  Bleeding with the raw emotions of fresh (recent) grief  I was incapable of hearing what she was "actually" saying.  I heard her say "Don't worry, you can have more children"; which at the time felt like a knife being turned in my stomach.  I did not want "more children", I wanted the child that had died---to be alive! 

In reflection I understand that she was simply trying to ease my emotional pain, by letting me know there would be "a tomorrow, again".  A future not defined by the pain of grief; but living again in "the moment" of love; even when that moment aspires from a loss.  

Angelversaries can be a healing step in the grieving process; so I understand.  But personally, I choose to remember our daughters birthday with love, respect, and rememberance----I think she appreciates that I celebrate the day she was born!  

The deep love of my work wishes you a peaceful journey, Helen

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I decided to place this quote for the simple reason of allowing us to contemplate the positive growth from experiencing the emotions of grief.

To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.

---Erich Fromm

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I have written this blog to address the issue of anger affiliated with the grieving process.  The truth is that anger often accompanies pain.  The reasons you may be angry during grief, is as unique as the individual relationship developed before the loss occurred.

First of all what causes the anger during the grief integration process?  Off the top-of-my-head I will list a few causes; and maybe you will relate to one of the causes: 1.) You can be angry with yourself, 2.) angry with the person for "leaving you", 3.) angry with those who might be perceived as causing the death, or 4.) angry with someone who said or did something hurtful shortly after the death.              Your emotion is being aroused from the loss of someone you had a relationship with; and you are finding yourself "wishing" the relationship had been different, better, or more.  It is helpful to recognize that anger, can be masked by sadness.  The difference between sadness and anger is the vulnerability.  With sadness you are aware of the emotion; even if you do not share it outside of yourself, you are aware that it is there.  Anger does a better job of hiding, and you may not be aware of the emotion until something or someone makes it appear (displacement of anger).  An example of this could be going off on a co-worker without reason, or exploding over a situation that you have no control over.

By recognizing the anger, you can begin to integrate the emotion into your grief and continue your journey is life.

The following suggestions may help with your anger: 

1. Follow your heart and verbally  "have it out" with the deceased; as if they are present in a face-to-face confontation.

2. Ask a friend to listen to how you feel.  As soon as you decide to express what is in your heart to someone else, somethings are already changing.

3. Write a letter about your feelings to the person whom has died.  In the letter express your feelings, and what is causing you anger.  Put into words what you want to say about the situation, as if it were occurring right now.  You can repeat the letter writing for each situation or compose a time line of incidents and write one letter.  After you have completed your letter; read it to a professional, read it to God, or read it to a friend.  Please add your suggesions in the comments.  Thank you, Helen

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I am hoping that the title of this post "Grief Leaves A Fissure in Your Heart" has spurred your interest!  I am referring to "Fissure" as a narrow openning or crack of considerable length and depth usually occurring from some breaking of parting.   I am about to compare the grief  journey to a broken heart.  Imagine the visual image of a heart torn in the center.  How many days, weeks or perhaps even years will completing the journey of healing your heart take?

The grieving journey is personal; so personal that a time factor is not comparitable to  norms. The journey may take months; or as I mentioned earlier years.  When your heart takes a longer period of time to heal or integrate the grief this does not mean that your grief journey is "complicate grief". Complicated grief arises when the griever has feelings of self-worthlessness or injury.  However if you are experiencing feelings of self-worthlessness or injury, your grief maybe complicated and you need to contact a grief counselor or other mental health professional.                

During your grief journey you need to allow yourself permission to feel your emotions, experience your feelings, and when you are ready, "letting go" of your feelings.  "Letting go" of your feelings involves the process of identifying your emotions or feelings.  Initially this can be painful, as your emotions maybe raw and surface uncontrolled.  I would like to mention briefly that the emotion of anger is one of the most prevalent feelings to present in grief.  I will address anger and grief in another post, but I feel it is important that you realize that anger is caused from being hurt.  And when you loss someone or something that is significant to you, it will be painful.  As you begin the process of "letting go" of your emotions and feelings, the grief begins to heal or integrate and the tear in your heart begins to close.  

One  documented complex aspect of grief  is that upon completion of your grief journey your physical appearrance will be unchanged.  However in your inside, in your heart; your heart will have developed a fissue---a repair.  Your heart will be  changed forever!   Just as if you had surgery, your heart is  are not better or more---your heart is just different. 

If your grief journey becomes difficult make the choice not to grieve alone, or to bury your feelings.  Make the choice to heal your heart by locating a nonjudgemental empathic listener who will provide an atmosphere where you are listened to, valued, respected and cared about.  You are in charge of healing your grief, and your heart will determine how long the journey takes to complete.

The deep love of my work wishes you a peaceful journey, Helen

If you have questions please use the contact me tab and fill in the form.

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